~zebra crossing~ green lights turn yellow, foot slams down on the pedal, car accelerates, must get past this stop, can not sit for 60 seconds in the heat, clearly not going to make it, a pedestrian observes, the lights are now red, almost at the zebra crossing, could still squeeze through if the vehicles on the opposite stop start moving a little late, but no they move, slams the brake, the car tyres screech, come to a halt only just avoiding collision with a motorcycle, horns blare, the biker stares, what are you looking at sisterf*cker, not my fault, reverses the car, parks on the zebra crossing, will at least be the first one out when the red lights turn yellow, no not green who even waits for green, others follow suit, what a sight: 5 bikes and 3 cars all parked on the zebra crossing.
I post, I delete, I repost. 🤙🏾
water, grapes, a good book and a cuddle buddy: what more does one need?
My first tattoo has a very special place in my heart. I got it from @assassintattoo in Houston back in June 2018. It's the date I first came out to one of the most important people in my life. I plan on getting many more once I'm financially independent. Do you like tattoos? --- Also shout-out to @inkgrailtattoos_islamabad in Islamabad. I have been following their work and am impressed. People of the twin cities, now you know where to get one.
~Basic face care~ --- Things you'll need and frequency of use: 1) Face wash (2 times/day) 2) Face scrub (2 times/week) 3) Face mask (2 times/week) 4) Eye serum (2 times/day) 5) Moisturizer (whenever you wash your face) --- How to use them: 1) Wash your hands (always important). 2) Splash some water on your face. 3) Apply face wash and leave it on for about 15-20 seconds. Wash your face. 4) Next apply the face scrub (tips on how to apply products below). Wash it off. Your face is now clean and ready for the other products. 5) Apply the face mask. Leave it on till it's dry and ready to be peeled off. This may take over 15 minutes, so have some activity planned to keep yourself busy. The face mask helps to hydrate your skin. 6) Wash your face with warm water. Wipe with a clean, dry towel. 7) Now apply the eye serum to the circles beneath your eyes. Take care not to get any serum in your eye. 8) Lastly, moisturise. With the moisturizer, focus particularly on the T-zone (the area over the nose bridge and above the eyebrows) because it is particularly prone to drying out. --- How to apply products to your face: 1) Do not waste products by applying them to your palms first and then rubbing your palms on your face. Apply products directly to your face using your fingertips. 2) For products that need to be massaged in, again use your fingertips in small circular motions. 3) For the face mask, use a hair band to keep your hair out of the way. Otherwise, you will end up creating a mess. 4) Protect the eyes. They are very prone to chemical irritation and damage. --- Enjoy 😌 ---
~Yaad hai mujhe (I remember) pt 2~ he read pt 1, asked me to remove it, told me I'm crazy, so i did, told me he never wanted to talk to me, so i said ok, decided to let go of the last material reminders of him, tore out 'yaad hai mujhe' from my diary, cried while reading it one last time, wrote 'I'm sorry' in the bottom corner, took the paper toy out from my diary, attached it to the poem, thought of letting him decide their fate, told mom 'I'll be right back', walked out, step, step, step, headphones in my ears, I could hear my breath, I walked right up to his doorstep, my heart ached, he did not want me around, he does not want these things, I started crying, turned around, walked to the garbage bin near his house, walked right up to it, the flies buzzed in my ears, I could not let go, but I had to, deep breath in, open your fist, let go, silent tears fell, no one can see my weakness my tears, hold these tears Ikram, walk to the park, sit there cry your heart out there, i prayed to Allah his god to keep him safe and give him happiness, threatened to harm Allah if He did not accept, wiped away my tears, walked back to the bin to take a picture, he will never know, had him block me on social media, walked back home, step, step, step, I could hear his voice, I could smell him, I could see the past before me, I almost broke down in the street, I rushed home to hide my tears from everyone, I went straight to my room and cried and cried and cried, he will never know what he meant to me, he will never know, I'm not okay, I finish typing this, I hyperventilate because I can not stop crying, life is not a fairytale never a fairytale, he loves me not.
~morning tears~ I have just woken up and I am crying because I won't get to see these people every day. Heck, I might never see all of them together again. Abdallah and Amna are giving a treat today, but Raza and Saman won't come because they have to catch flights, Hadia left for Wah yesterday, Aymen left for Abbottabad and Khizar left for Peshawar. Abdallah will leave for Australia in a few days, Osama will leave for Oman. Ammar, Umar and Hamza will follow, by leaving for PMA. I am not good at letting people go and this barrage of departures is going to hurt.
~crazy~ He says I'm being crazy, when I ask him to block me because I can no longer see his face on my social media everyday without being able to talk to him. He says he does not want to talk to me. I accept that. So I ask him for a favor: if I have to live in this world without him, I had rather pretend that he never existed. How does that make me crazy? It benefits both of us, you see. It helps him in ignoring me and it helps me in my vain attempts to forget him and move on.
The time to run into the mountains draws near once more. 📸: @studioredpk
They keep telling me there are no gay people in Pakistan, that some of us are just doing it to be cool. There are no gays in Pakistan, just one 45 meters from my room who made an account on a gay dating app and then stopped using it, another 2 streets away who used to drive us to highschool and connected with me on Tinder, another in the next street who left me a message on Grindr to see if I wanted to hookup. But they are probably just frustrated because they don't have interactions with girls or have been with girls a lot and want to try something new, right? There are no gays in Pakistan. I guess I am just occasionally sexting with a bot who holds a senior position in the ministry of defence, talking to another fake profile who is a judge in Karachi, and am in touch with numerous 'LGBTQABCDE' people of my own age, and many younger than me, who are just some fucking liberals trying to please their western masters. There are no gays in Pakistan. The dad of two who wanted to travel to Islamabad from Attock just to meet me wasn't gay. The hundreds of gay folk in a secret community on Facebook are not actually gay, they are just pretending to like men because they have nothing better to do. The men who go on dates with each other and do not even touch each other's hands are not gay, well because everyone knows that if you don't touch each other, even if it be out of fear of other people harming you, you are not gay. These wannabes actually end up marrying women and having children, which just proves they were normal all along and pretending to be gay! That married guy from facebook who is a father, who still loves to crossdress in secret and send me photos and wants to have sex with me might be a weird exception. If being gay was a real thing, they would not get married. Even if their families put pressure on them or threatened to disown or worse kill them, they would take a stand for themselves, no? There are no gays in Pakistan. Ugh, tired of typing this. I'll just open the Grindr app in my phone and reply to the 50+ unread conversations in it because I'm just that bored and they are just that bored and all of us like to pretend that we are gay.
~RANDOM~ He loves me. He loves me not. He loves me. He loves me not. My brain still keeps wondering. On the one hand, I am pretty sure I have some form of PTSD: I have intrusive recollections of my time with him, I avoid everything that reminds me of him. I really should not have built my fantasy around him. But no-one could have stopped me; I was looking for an escape and he provided one. On the other hand, I miss him a lot (or the version of him I fantasized about). I don't know. My brain is too confused. In a way, I knew he was attracted to me too. I convince myself that he is scared and figuring things out, that that is the reason why I was shut out because being around me brought feelings he was just not ready to process or accept. I convince myself that one day, one day, he'll realize love is not something to be scared about and he'll talk to me again. But now I hear he's packing his bags and leaving the city, and I fear my mind will always keep wondering whether he loved me or not...
'Yes, please. I'd like 6A*s, no basic life training, and an unhealthy addiction to measuring my self-worth using my academic achievements. Thanks.✌🏾' -2014 ikram
A suicide note: it's world suicide prevention day today (that is, September 10th). Let us normalize discussions about mental health and make it easier for people to seek help without feeling judged or feeling like they are a burden. #who #worldhealthorganization #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #depression #lgbtq #lgbtcommunity #suicide #suicideprevention #letstalk #40seconds
I have said it before and I'll say it again: these people (and a few others) are the only thing I will miss about my time in Army Medical College, Rawalpindi. It took me some time to come out of my shell and start getting to know them but when I finally did, I found a family where I did not expect to find one. We have laughed together, gone on amazing trips together, whined together, pulled off full-nighters to pass exams together and received ridiculous punishments and fines together. But what makes me love them even more is that each of them is so beautiful in their own little way. It is these people who have helped me through the worst of times. When I did not feel like waking up and going to college another day or even being alive, it is the thought of being with these people that made me get up and keep moving. They know parts of me that even my parents don't know about. Sure I get roasted a lot, but where other friends and family deserted and ridiculed me, they stood by my side. It does not matter to me whether they can accept these parts of me or not, because I know that we love, respect and support each other regardless. Here's to my chosen family! 🥂 I wish them the best in life.
The hike to Chitta Katha with 2% battery and 2% will to live.
Somewhere in Azad Kashmir, 2017.